Dialogue

Human - Friendship (part 2, section 9)

Friendship

 

"You're wondering if you are fated to preside over the decline?"

 

"I am. And you know why? What becomes of my friends? Do I not have a duty to keep things together for their sake, for your sake? What holds us together other than the enterprise in which we are engaged, the things over which I happen to preside?"

 

"Friend, you can only see things from your own vantage point. Your friends, and I, while we share much of your view, can see things that you cannot, things your position does not allow you to see - just as you can see things we cannot because we are not at your elevation."

 

"You're just saying that."

 

"I am just saying that - and I am speaking truth. Look, we all have to take each other on trust, on faith at times."

 

"I thought you only take things on knowledge."

 

"As far as that is possible, yes. But I have the firm knowledge that I trust you, that I have faith in you. Your other friends, I know, do, too."

 

"Then you expect me to fly blind into the future?"

 

"Now why do you say that? Your friends make excellent lookouts."

 

"And when the signs come that disaster approaches?"

 

"Perhaps," Director said evenly, "what looms as disaster looks different upon closer view."

 

"What is disaster for some is not so for others?"

 

"Yes, something like that."

 

"Why 'something like'?"

 

"Because I'm not sure if what someone believes to be a disaster is actually not disaster in fact. In other words, if someone approaches the looming thinking it to be disaster, but when he gets there, to his relief, he discovers it is not, then it is not disaster. But someone who approaches in the same way, and when he gets there thinks something to be a disaster that need not be so, well, then it seems it may well be disaster in fact for him."

 

"But how could you possibly know whether something 'need not be' disaster for someone else."

 

"Yes, that's the problem," Director said with a faint smile. "That's why I say 'something like'."

 

"Is this the mark of friendship, then? Those who see something the same way - disaster or not - are friends, with those taking the true view being good friends and those who see things falsely being bad friends?"

 

"That's not a bad way to look at it, I think - provisionally, of course."

 

"Of course."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Dying (part 2, section 8)

Dying

 

"How do I know if I am inadvertently letting it die? That's my fear, you know - the source of my insecurity. I don't trust myself here."

 

"You, of all people, not know? Don't worry. You know. You will know. You will feel it if you are harming the human, no doubt. You can't help but feel it."

 

"What about the animals of similar quality?"

 

"That, too," Director said with a smile.

 

"Is it alright to simply let the inhuman 'humans' perish?"

 

"As opposed to killing them outright? Do you wish to sustain the inhuman?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you care one way or another whether they perish? Do you take an active concern in their demise?"

 

"Should I?"

 

"No 'should'. Do you?"

 

"I guess I am indifferent."

 

"So be it," Director said in a round and rich tone.

 

"So be it," President said with a tentative smile. "I guess I wouldn't make a good doctor, oath and all they must take."

 

"You would make an excellent doctor," Director said without batting an eye. "Do you know," he said, "that in ancient times the doctors only had a duty to save those they felt worth saving?"

 

"I did not know that."

 

"Yes, it was the mark of a great doctor to know whom to save. But today," Director said and spread his hands out before him and left the thought unspoken.

 

"Yes, today," said President and nodded to himself. "Everyone deserves to be saved."

 

"Will you save them?"

 

"Who, me? Now, how in the world would I do that? I'm no doctor, friend. I'm a president."

 

"Then all anyone can expect of you is to preside."

 

"I suppose, then, my choice is merely over what I preside. Or do I even have that?"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Altered (part 2, section 7)

Altered

 

"So tell me, President, does this amount to a change in your view of the human?"

 

"My schedule?"

 

"The effect your change in schedule will have."

 

"You mean whether I have the guts it takes to let things fall apart without me?"

 

"That's exactly what I mean."

 

"I know you know what it means to have people counting on you."

 

"Maybe they are counting on you to clear your schedule and let things fall where they may."

 

"So they can pick up the pieces?"

 

Director shrugged slowly.

 

"You're implying, of course, that it's better to let things go to pieces."

 

"Put it this way - what would you like to see put back together again once it all falls apart?"

 

"Why don't you just ask what I would like to see fall apart and stay that way?"

 

"Either way. What do you think?"

 

President's look grew hard. "If you really think it is best to let it all go to hell," he swallowed, "what can you possibly think of me, the presiding officer of the decline?"

 

"What would you like me to think of you?" Director asked in a neutral tone.

 

President said nothing, but started to look uncertain.

 

"There's your problem," Director said in a flat tone. "It's not up to you what I think, no matter what you do."

 

A touch of panic flashed across President's face. His countenance broke.

 

"Stop," Director said firmly. "Look at me," he said gently.

 

President looked Director full in the face.

 

"You are my friend, my true and always friend. I think very highly of you - as high as one man can think of another." He let this sink in. "It's not up to you what I think about you because I think about what you are, what you can't help being - as long as you are yourself."

 

"Are you talking about unconditional love?"

 

"The condition to my love, friend, is that you be what you are. When you cease to be what you are, because of insecurity, or outside manipulation, or what have you, you make me have to live toward you on faith, not knowledge. And do you know my preference there?"

 

"So how should this alter my view of the human?"

 

"How?" Director laughed, despite himself. "What is your view of the human?"

 

"I refuse to let it die," he said with cold love in his eyes.

 

"And that, my friend," Director said, "is exactly why I love you."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Light (part 2, section 6)

Light

 

"But it would be okay if he put it in your sort of light?"

 

President snorted quietly. "My sort of light? I take your point, my friend. You cannot control your words once they've left your mouth - and even if they've never left your mouth."

 

"Do you think people here are capable of making things up, things you never said, for the sake of punishing you?"

 

"Are they capable?" President seemed to consider this deeply. "Yes, I think they are capable of such a trick. But could they pull it off? It would take a sort of conspiracy," he said and looked hard at Director.

 

"There would have to be a few key people who hate you, right? And they would need things to be documented just so, beyond suspicion."

 

"Yes."

 

"But what's the worst they could do, keep you here for another week or so?"

 

"The 'or so' is exactly what's troubling here, Director. From your point of view I'm not sure how scary this whole situation seems. But I can tell you that from mine it is genuinely frightening."

 

"But do you really think you are the sort of person people conspire against?"

 

"Are you asking me if I am still feeling paranoid?"

 

"There's that. But what do you think people could have against you?"

 

"Jealousy," President said in a near whisper.

 

"Of what might they be jealous?"

 

"My rank."

 

"You're not the only president, you know. Do you think they are jealous of all presidents, as presidents, or does it take something more to spark that flame?"

 

"That something more is more personal than rank."

 

"They envy your looks?"

 

"Do you think I am good looking?"

 

"It's not a matter of my thinking. You don't know by now that you are?"

 

"Well, rank, looks - that's not enough to excite jealousy?"

 

"Of course it's not enough. You know better."

 

"Then you tell me what it takes."

 

"Confidence, composure."

 

"You mean such that I can't be manipulated, in the bad sense."

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you think I can?"

 

"At times. In fact, I think that may well be the main reason you wound up here."

 

"Say more."

 

Director sighed then fixed his eyes on his friend. "How firmly do you feel you stand on your own two feet?"

 

President blushed. "Well enough, I suppose."

 

"For the most part you do. But I've noticed there are times when you are standing so and along come those who talk you right off your feet."

 

"Or maybe it's just not talk?"

 

"Maybe so," Director said without missing a beat. "Do you feel it when it is happening? You must."

 

"I do," said President shyly.

 

"Why do you let them do it?"

 

President took in a deep breath. "Because I'm insecure." He looked out the window but then looked back to Director. "I need my friends - my supports."

 

"Do you want us to lock you in place, tie you to the mast?"

 

President seemed to be weighing whether Director was speaking sincerely or with some kind of mockery. He decided he was sincere. "Yes."

 

"Is that because you can't control yourself?"

 

President started in anger but checked himself. "No."

 

"Then why?"

 

In desperation President said, "Because I just can't tell! I don't know! I don't know when someone is taking advantage of me!"

 

Director nodded. "You need your friends."

 

"I do."

 

"Do you know that I am your friend, your true friend?"

 

"You are my best friend," President said in hush. "You are - "

 

"What are you going to do when you get out of here?" Director interrupted.

 

"What?"

 

"Are you just going to jump back into things?"

 

"What do you think I should do?"

 

"I think you should clear your schedule for at least two weeks, except for things that are of relatively low intensity.'

 

"Who is going to pick up the slack?" President asked.

 

"Nobody."

 

President smiled. "You know what? That sounds pretty good to me."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Mind Reading (part 2, section 5)

Mind Reading

 

"Along those lines, your case worker said that you said that you feel that people can read your mind."

 

"What?" President laughed in disgust. He shook his head and looked out the window. "I can't believe she told you that."

 

"Did you say something like that?" Director ventured.

 

"Of course I said 'something like that' - but not that!"

 

"What was the context?"

 

"One of the symptoms of certain sorts of illness is that you think you can read people's minds."

 

"Then I guess a lot of people are ill out there."

 

President nodded. "Well, it came my turn to speak in a group where we had been discussing this and I said I can't read people's minds, but when I'm in a bad way I feel like they can read mine."

 

"That's all you said?"

 

"That's all! I can't believe they are turning this on me." He bit his lip. "Of course, maybe nothing is being turned on me at all. Maybe the case worker was just being thorough, probing to make sure everything is okay."

 

"What did you mean when you said that?"

 

"I meant nothing more than what it feels like when you walk into a room and see someone you don't like and you worry that the look on your face will give that away."

 

"That's it?"

 

"That's it. I even told one of the doctors about it. I explained that sometimes if I've thought an unjust or unfair thought about someone they can tell that I have, by some trick or tick of body language. That's it."

 

"Then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Do you?"

 

President laughed bitterly. "You tell me. Do you know what the group leader said after I said that about people seeming to read my mind? He told me that I do indeed think I can read people's minds, because I have to read their minds in order to know that they are reading mine! What the hell? You can't win if they are set against you."

 

"Do you think they are set against you?"

 

"Now you sound like one of them."

 

"Them?"

 

"The staff. And no, I don't think they are set against me. But this guy was a piece of work, a royal loser. I wish you could have seen him. He tried to be funny, and it was a sarcastic sort of funniness. Is that the sort of humor that the mentally ill need? Sarcasm? I think that is exactly the last sort of thing they need. And you know what? A good third of the group, after it was over, were raving about this funny man, saying they wish they could have more groups with him. Well, I think he's as lame as they come, and I'm not at all surprised that he told others what I said and put it in a different light."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Patients (part 2, section 4)

Patients

 

"What are the other patients like here?" Director asked. "I've only seen the ones in the hallway on my way to your room."

 

"They're not bad. Some are more highly functioning than others, of course. But even some of the low level ones have surprised me, pleasantly."

 

"For example?"

 

"Well, there was one woman who seemed to be a hopeless case when we were all together in group. All she did was sit back and watch everything intently, and when it came her turn to speak she mumbled incomprehensible things."

 

"That's why you thought her to be low level, worse off?"

 

"Yes, exactly. Anyway, I was having a snack in the kitchen and she came in and sat down at the table next to me. I smiled and said hello. Guess what she did? She struck up a conversation about everything she had seen since she got here - and she saw a lot! I couldn't believe it, and actually laughed out loud while I was talking to her. Turns out she's a psychiatrist! She's really nice, smart - bright."

 

"No judging the books by their covers in this library, old friend?"

 

"No, indeed! You really just never know what you're going to find." President's face grew serious. "It's not a new lesson for me, by any stretch of the imagination. But it is a terrific reminder to go into each human, or potentially human, interaction clear-eyed and ready for anything."

 

"That's exhausting, isn't it?"

 

"You said it! I envy my cat all the sleep he gets."

 

"How has your sleep been?"

 

"Well, they tripled my medication. I've been sleeping like a baby."

 

"Is there any reason why you can't do that when you're out of here?"

 

President sighed. "I'm going to have to re-tool my entire schedule."

 

"But you're going to do it?"

 

"Yes," President said firmly. "Doing less is doing more, as far as I'm concerned."

 

"We're all concerned, you know."

 

"Thank you. Would you like to hear about other patients?"

 

"Certainly."

 

"Well, there is one who has been completely out of his senses. He's angry at everyone and everything he thinks goes against his will."

 

"You never get like that."

 

"No," he said smiling, "I'm too neurotic for my psychosis to get the better of me."

 

"Thank goodness for balance. What's become of this patient?"

 

"Security has been here three times today."

 

"What do they do?"

 

"Believe it or not, they just stand there and watch and listen as the staff tries to calm him down."

 

"What happens if they can't?"

 

"I suppose they take him away somewhere."

 

"A padded room?"

 

"I guess."

 

"So how does he react to all this?"

 

"Oh, he freaks out, gets even angrier."

 

"And yet they don't take him away. Curious."

 

"Sometimes," President said in a lowered voice, "I feel like he's here to be an example to me of how never to be, tempted as I might ever be to lose my temper like that."

 

"You think he's a plant for your benefit?" Director asked cautiously.

 

Annoyance possessed President's face. "No. I'm just saying that you need to take lessons from life as they present themselves, that's all."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Enjoyment (part 2, section 3)

Enjoyment

 

"I don't. But tell me - if someone 'suffers' from a mental illness, he can't be enjoying himself, right?"

 

"It's one thing to have, or be prone to, mental illness and manage it, and it is another thing entirely to suffer it.

 

"Do you think I suffer from it?"

 

"At times."

 

"And when I do I'm not a good leader."

 

"True, but when you manage it effectively you are quite a leader, one people want to follow, or rather, take their lead from."

 

"Thank you for the distinction. I don't want followers. I'm not that kind of leader."

 

"Do you enjoy it when people take their lead from you?"

 

"Enjoy it? I love it!" He laughed. But then he added quietly: "It makes me feel like everything has been worth it. Know what I mean?"

 

Director nodded.

 

"I like the notion of enjoyment deriving from synchronicity," President said in a matter-of-fact tone. "But you know I have my doubts, right? What if it is really the task of the true leader to go against the grain of his times?"

 

"You'd rather have a bad time?"

 

"Shouldn't I rather do what's right, what needs to be done, regardless of enjoyment?"

 

"Maybe you can give me an example so I know what you mean."

 

"Oh, I don't know. Think of it like this. It's not pleasant to go on a diet even though you know you need to lose weight, right? You don't enjoy the diet."

 

"I take it you're talking about fiscal matters. Well, yes. But the diet is for the sake of greater enjoyment - good health and figure."

 

"You can make that argument about anything. Anything necessary and unpleasant can always be said to be done for the sake of some greater pleasure."

 

"That can be said, but it doesn't mean the greater pleasure is bound to come. Do you know what the secret is?"

 

"What?"

 

"Knowledge - knowledge, to a certainty, that your actions must result in that greater enjoyment. That is double pleasure - pleasure in the knowing and anticipation, and then the enjoyment of the pleasure itself when it comes."

 

"But what if the knowing and anticipation simply cancels out the pains taken? You're just left with the pleasure of the end. How does that differ from indulging up front?"

 

"Really, friend, you don't know how? Indulgence, to the extent I think we're talking about here, always results in some kind of pain - regret, at the least."

 

"You make it sound as if I can't escape from enjoying myself."

 

"Yes, you truly are doomed," said Director with a half smile.

 

"But I can wreck it, can't I?"

 

Director drew in a slow breath. "Yes, you certainly can."

 

"By not going with it," President said in full knowledge.

 

"That's the only way to mess with fate - not to accept it."

 

President cocked his head. "You really believe in fate?"

 

"Sometimes I do."

 

"So what if I'm not fated to enjoy myself?"

 

"Then you should believe in free will and engage in the pursuit of happiness."

 

President laughed softly and shook his head.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Leaders of Men (part 2, section 2)

Leaders of Men

 

"Well, it looks like things are coming along nicely, President. I see no reason why you can't go home tomorrow."

 

"Thanks."

 

The doctor nodded and left the room.

 

"I've always like that doctor," Director said.

 

"Yeah, me too."

 

"So what were we talking about?"

 

"Philosophy."

 

"Whose philosophy?"

 

"No, Philosophy - capital P."

 

"Really? Now I remember. We were talking about pigs and their sties. Oh, wait. No, we were talking about my job."

 

President smiled. "Do you like it?"

 

"My job? It's as I've said - work is work. What can I say?"

 

"I think you enjoy yourself well enough."

 

"And you don't? How can you lead so many men and not enjoy it? Why, I would think someone who doesn't love to lead must make for a... well, a not-so-good leader."

 

"Is that all you think it takes to lead, enjoyment?"

 

"Now, now - no getting indignant. But yes, as a matter of fact, now that I think of it, enjoyment is all it takes, all it has ever taken. That said," Director added with playful seriousness, "indignation is the mark of the poor leader, the one who brings ruin upon his people."

 

"Ha! And you're serious, too!"

 

"Oh, yes," Director said in mock sententiousness, "the serious is the arrow that smites the good heart."

 

"Smite, smote, smitten."

 

"Are you looking for more good vocabulary words?"

 

They laughed.

 

"Seriously, you're serious, right?" President asked.

 

"Of course I am," Director said, face composed.

 

"I can understand how indignation ruins things, but enjoyment?"

 

"Enjoyment is the mark of a leader's synchronicity with his times."

 

President nodded solemnly. "I am out of tune with the times."

 

"No! Tell me honestly, truly, friend - have you enjoyed your stay in the hospital this weekend?"

 

President all but blushed, but he looked away and said in a soft voice, "I have."

 

"There, you see?" Director asked hopefully. "What have you enjoyed, precisely?"

 

"Do you think it is the holiday?"

 

"I don't know. Is it?"

 

"No," President said firmly. "This has been no holiday. This has been work, of a sort I don't know how many can stomach."

 

"What then?"

 

"The people - the patients, the staff." He looked out the window again. "Where else can you find such people? And if you find them outside of here are they really and truly themselves, free as they are here to express what they are?"

 

"What makes people here free, in that way?"

 

"For the patients? How much lower can they sink? Well, there's always the great threat in your face of permanent commitment, of getting forever lost, unable to find your bread crumbs back out of the maze. So maybe they're not really all that free after all. For the staff? Who are they trying to impress, the crazies? It's the same sort of bizarre equality of guards and inmates, cops and criminals, sinners and saints. You know?"

 

Director drew into a tight smile. "Do you think it is any different for a true friend of someone suffering from a mental illness?"

 

President wiped a tear from his eye. "No one doubts your sanity, Director."

 

"Is that so?" It was an honest question.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Doctor (part 2, section 1)

PART TWO

 

Doctor

 

In walked the doctor. He glanced at Director. "How are you feeling today, President?"

 

"About the same as since I've been here."

 

"Really? No better? You seem better to me."

 

"How do I seem better?"

 

"Your speech seems less pressured. You seem more relaxed."

 

"What, every time I feel stressed I'm going to wind up in the hospital? You could just as easily look at me when I'm perfectly relaxed and say, 'Oh, no. You seem stressed to me. And your speech is pressured. You must stay here until I say.'"

 

The doctor raised his eyebrows and turned to Director. "What does your friend think?"

 

"I think he seems pretty relaxed to me," Director said.

 

"So," President said as though proving his point, "it takes a concurrence to get me out of here?"

 

"Ah, President, you're seeming your old self," said the doctor with a smile.

 

"How would you know my old self? You see me for half an hour every three months."

 

"You're right, of course, that's all I know - though I have seen you on more than one occasion when you're not well. Surely that counts for something."

 

President sniffed.

 

"It's the contrast."

 

"Yes," President said absently. But then he seemed to hit on something. "How do you know I'm not acting when I'm in your office?"

 

"Oh, I'm sure everyone acts to some degree when in my office. Fortunately, I have a life outside of work where people, I trust, are not acting as much. So, I have something of a baseline."

 

"The law of averages? Does that work for the atypical?"

 

"Do you think you are atypical?"

 

"Ha! You yourself told me I am last time I was in your office."

 

"I do indeed think you are atypical, just as I said. So I have to factor that into my thinking. That is, after all, what you're paying me for, is it not?"

 

President snorted and looked to Director. "What do you think?"

 

"I certainly think you are atypical."

 

"In a bad way, or a good way?"

 

"Are there two ways to this?"

 

President blinked and sighed. "What can I tell you, Doctor?"

 

"How is your mood?"

 

"Somewhat irritable."

 

"More so than usual?"

 

"I didn't know you were a comedian."

 

"Ah, I recognize that native sarcastic streak. That often accompanies those of rank."

 

"In your country?"

 

"No, in any country. I'm not sure I understand it fully, but sarcasm seems to be born of weakness coupled to a sense of right - entitlement, that is. Accordingly, I think it a vice. But don't worry," the doctor laughed gently, "we all have our vices!"

 

"What's yours?"

 

"You think I have only one? Ha, ha, ha!"

 

"What are you laughing at, Director?"

 

"Me? I'm just glad the good doctor took the pressure off of me to answer next!"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Team (part 1, section 20)

Team

 

"Enough of all this. How are things going with you?"

 

"Oh, they're fine. Work is work, you know."

 

"What are you working on these days?"

 

"I'm putting together a team for our new office."

 

"Do you have final say on who's on the team?"

 

"'Final say'? You know I never have that."

 

"Yes, but when's the last time they went against your recommendations?"

 

"Come on, President, you know I have to argue my case for every little thing."

 

"But that's because you keep trying to forward our cause with every opportunity you get."

 

"What's your point?"

 

"I'm just impressed with how much you're able to get done."

 

"You feel your record is any less impressive? I could never get done what you do."

 

"Why do you think that is?" President asked with a touch of bitterness.

 

"You worry me, friend. You seem to be thinking there is something wrong with getting those things done."

 

"Well, isn't there? What does it take to move people? You move individuals. I move groups.'

 

"And you think moving individuals is of higher dignity? But this is ridiculous. In order to move a group you have to be able to move key individuals. The individuals I have to move are not always what I would call 'key'."

 

President seemed to consider this. "But they are key to the task at hand, are they not?"

 

"The undertaker is key to getting the body prepared for the funeral. Does that make him 'key'? If so, then 'key' really means nothing. Why, a student is key to a teacher's having a job."

 

"A dolphin is key to having an aquarium?"

 

"A cat is key to a bird."

 

"A pig is key to a sty?"

 

They laughed.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com