Dialogue

Anxiety - section 12 (final section)

 

12

 

"You love your friends, do you not?" asked Director.

 

"Of course."

 

"These enemy fish give poison to your friends, friends both of the actual and the potential variety. Now, if you love your friends as much as you love yourself, or even more so, can you see how avenging them is just as sweet, if not more so, than your 'personal' revenge?"

 

"Director, what you say makes sense. But I don't understand why you are saying it. Why are you trying to steer me away from taking revenge on my poisoner or poisoners?"

 

"Youth, you've yet to hook a fish. How are you going to go after a whale from your past? Shouldn't you at least get some practice first?"

 

"Agreed. And then maybe you can help me figure out what happened to me?"

 

"No," said Director gently but firmly. "That's yours to figure out or not." He let this sink in, then said: "And if you do figure it out, I wonder if you'll be so keen to go after some beast from the depths of your past."

 

"Why wouldn't I be?"

 

Director gave Youth a measuring stare. "You may come to believe that you yourself were, in part, or wholly, at fault."

 

"Was I?" asked Youth in an urgent whisper.

 

Director looked Youth long in the face, then said: "I don't know."

 

Youth swallowed hard. "I have a lot of untangling to do, careful untangling, don't I?"

 

"Perhaps. Or you could simply cut the knot and just not worry about the original poisoning, if there was one. What's done is done."

 

"Are you, of all people, saying it's better not to know?"

 

"I'm saying it might not be possible to know, and that you might have to learn to live with that. Or, you could make a choice to simply believe one way or the other. It's up to you. But who knows? Maybe you'll find your proof positive. My only point is that you have a real opportunity to take effective revenge against the enemy, here and now. This other revenge you're talking about might prove to be nothing more than a dream, a barren dream.

 

Youth nodded and rubbed his chin. He stared at the floor for a moment then looked up. "What if I did it to myself, gave myself all of this anxiety? What if I created an endless loop of low intensity fear stemming from the choices I've made? What if there was no poisoning?"

 

Director spoke slowly and evenly. "If you come to believe that you were at fault, you have to promise me that you will not attempt to take revenge on yourself."

 

Youth nodded solemnly. "I promise."

 

"You have to remember, in that case, that belief is not knowledge. You have to remember that knowledge of these things may very well not be possible. Do you understand?"

 

Youth nodded. "I understand." He gathered himself up and said: "I want to thank you, Director. You've given me a soothing remedy for my anxiety, something for which I am infinitely grateful. But a remedy is not the cure. I must find that, on my own."

 

"Maybe there is no cure," said Director quietly.

 

A thought flashed in Youth's mind, and he suddenly looked at Director in a new light. "Are you... anxious?"

 

"I get anxious."

 

"No, I mean are you ridden by anxiety?"

 

"I like to think I ride it more than it rides me."

 

Youth beamed a smile. "I'm not letting it ride me anymore!"

 

Director held out his hand. "Shake on it?"

 

They shook.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 11

 

11

 

"You know," said Youth, "somehow it doesn't make me anxious. After all, once that fish is hooked he wants to be caught more than I want to catch him, right?"

 

Director smiled. "Yes. But now we're stretching the metaphor. So tell me this. Do you know what the worst thing is that you can do to that enemy fish?"

 

"Yes, I think I do. After a while, when I've grown tired, I cut him free, and then he swims around the rest of his life with a nasty hook in his mouth, trailing a line for all to see."

 

Director laughed softly. "Well my fisherman-warrior, have we found you an antidote to anxiety?"

 

Youth's face grew unusually hard. "Antidote suggests poison, Director. I wonder what poison I was given that made me anxious in the first place."

 

"Oh, friend, does it really matter?"

 

"I think it does."

 

"Why, because you want revenge on the poisoner or poisoners?"

 

"Seeking revenge is starting to seem like a very good way of fighting anxiety."

 

"You can take all the revenge you want on those enemy fish."

 

"But what did those enemy fish ever do to me, to me personally? Isn't revenge more sweet when it is personal?"

 

"I'm afraid, my friend, that you don't have a good grasp on the nature of the struggle with those fish, the quality of their evil. If you did, you would see just how sweet revenge on them truly is - as satisfying, if not more so, than the 'personal' revenge you're talking about."

 

"I don't see how that's possible, Director."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Anxiety - section 10

 

10

 

"Knowing me I'll be anxious about whether he'll take the bait."

 

"Then you need to learn patience," said Director.

 

"But what if I'm not fishing in the right place? At some point I have to decide to pick up and move to another spot, or even another body of water. Right?"

 

"Yes, but you have to make sure you give it a good long while first."

 

"How do I know how long that is?"

 

"You're going to have to develop a feel. Starting out I suggest you wait much, much longer than you think you should. You'll learn."

 

"What do I do when I get a bite?"

 

"Whatever you do, don't reel the fish in."

 

"But that's the point of fishing, isn't it?"

 

"Not this sort of fishing. No, what do you want with a foul enemy fish? Keep him on the line and let him swim."

 

"What then?"

 

"Play with him."

 

Youth looked a long while at Director. "Play?"

 

"Sure, you remember how to play, don't you?"

 

"Of course I do."

 

"Good. Now you have something to play with."

 

"But that... seems... evil... to play with someone like that."

 

"Evil? Is the enemy that good, then, that mere playing with him is all that bad?"

 

"No," said Youth with a frown, "the enemy is bad." He mustered up something inside himself. "He is evil."

 

"So you're going to be playing with evil, Youth. Does that make you anxious?"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 9

 

9

 

"You know," said Youth, "you might be right!"

 

"Will you talk philosophy to these enemies?"

 

"Well, as you've said, Director, I have a lot to say about it."

 

"And will you lie about philosophy to them?"

 

"Do you think that is part of my treatment?"

 

Director nodded slowly.

 

"Then I will lie."

 

"Good. Do you think you will enjoy that?"

 

"I think I can learn to."

 

"Now, suppose you're going along with your treatment, and things are going fine, and lo! - you find a friend, a real friend, who wants to talk to you more than you want to talk to him. What then?"

 

"Well, for starters, I don't lie to him."

 

"Yes. Now here is a question that may seem odd. When you're talking to the friend and to the enemy, speaking truth and lies, to whom will you have more to say?"

 

"I don't know. I've never thought about it." He ran a knuckle back and forth across his lips. "The truth is best told straight off, in so many words. But lies are spun out into great big yarns." A look of concern crossed his face. "Do you think I'll have a problem coming up with things to say to friends?"

 

"Can't you figure out a way to spin yarns out of truth? Surely you've heard that good things bear repeating. Maybe you can just put a slightly different spin on the truth each time you repeat it, put it in a slightly different light. That helps convey the truth in its fullness, after all."

 

Youth smiled. "I can try to learn how to do that."

 

"So are you prepared to start trying to work with whomever you find wanting to talk to you?"

 

"Well, 'prepared' is a stretch - but I will try. But I have a question, Director."

 

"What is it?"

 

"I know how to approach a friend. But I've always avoided those I thought were my enemies. How do I approach one, one who wants to talk to me more than I want to talk to him?"

 

"Think of him as a fish."

 

"A fish?"

 

"Yes, you want to get the enemy on the hook. So keep on being excessively polite, and bait your line with morsels of philosophy - not too much, mind you, or you'll scare him off. That can happen no matter how much he wants to talk to you."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 8

 

8

 

"What about before I know they are enemies?" asked Youth.

 

"Tell them as much truth as needed to determine whether they are friends or enemies, but no more."

 

"This will help me with my anxiety?"

 

"Knowing how to deal with enemies should - yes. Don't you agree? We said fear of enemies may be one of the roots of your anxiety."

 

"What if I still want to talk to them after I know they are my enemies?"

 

"Talk to them ironically?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Well, what if?"

 

"You don't think it's bad?"

 

"I do it. Many people do it every single day."

 

"What if I want to talk to them more than they want to talk to me?

 

"Then I think you need to break away from them, Youth, as soon as you can."

 

Youth nodded, considered something for a moment, then said: "And if they want to talk to me more than I want to talk to them? Do I need to break that off right away, too?"

 

Director looked at Youth closely. "You'd be pleased that you found someone who wants to talk to you that much, even though it is an enemy?"

 

Youth took in a deep breath. "Yes, to tell you the truth - yes I would."

 

"Ah, my poor friend! You're that starved, are you?"

 

Youth nodded sullenly.

 

"But I wonder..." said Director.

 

"What?"

 

"We've said your anxiety may stem from being too sensitive about politeness, from being afraid of enemies, and from being afraid that you want to talk to people more than they want to talk to you. What could be a better tonic for you, better therapy, than to learn to talk to enemies who want to talk to you more than you want to talk to them, while throwing in a little impoliteness here and there?"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 7

 

7

 

"Does all of this relate to my saying things about philosophy?" asked Youth.

 

"Yes, I think it does."

 

"Do you think I speak about philosophy the same way to friends as to enemies?"

 

"Yes. I've seen you do it on more than one occasion."

 

"But you don't."

 

"No, I don't."

 

"But you let enemies think that you do?"

 

"Yes."

 

"So you lie, essentially."

 

"Yes, Youth. I lie to enemies."

 

"And you're telling me this because I'm your friend."

 

"Yes, and because I think it will help you."

 

"How?"

 

"You think it's good to always tell the truth."

 

Youth frowned. "You're right. I do." He chewed his lip. "It's not good to tell too much truth to enemies, is it?

 

"No, it's not."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 6

 

6

 

"You really think that?"

 

"I really do."

 

"What do you think I have to say?"

 

"I think you have things to say about philosophy."

 

"You're the one who has interesting things to say about philosophy. And I've noticed that you make enemies at times when you talk about it. How do you deal with them?

 

"I treat them ironically."

 

"What does that mean?"

 

"Even though I am fairly certain they are enemies from the outset, I treat them as though they were my friends."

 

"How?"

 

"If I think they are doing something right, I tell them that I think so - just as I would with a friend. And if I think they are doing something wrong, I tell them what I think about it - just as I would with a friend."

 

"The difference is that they do lots of things that are wrong?"

 

"Yes."

 

"So they get tired of your telling them about what they are doing wrong and come out into the open as enemies?"

 

"Pretty much."

 

"What if they have a question, an earnest question? Do you answer it for them the way you would for a friend?"

 

"No."

 

"How does your answer differ from enemy to friend?"

 

"Friends I tell the whole truth. Enemies I tell part of the truth. If they prove to be friends after all, I can tell them the rest then."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 5

 

5

 

"You, Director, how do you deal with enemies?" asked Youth.

 

"First tell me how you deal with them."

 

"I stay away."

 

"So you don't really deal with them."

 

"No, I guess I don't."

 

"The time when you're most anxious, when you don't hear back from someone, you've said you assume the worst - is that worst that you've made an enemy?

 

"Yes."

 

"And you just let things go, never really knowing if there is a friend, or an enemy, or something in-between out there." Director waited for a response but Youth said nothing. "Wouldn't it be better to follow up and see if you can find out what the truth is?"

 

"I guess."

 

Director studied Youth for several moments. "But you're not going to, are you?"

 

"If they don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to them."

 

"But is that true, or is it bravado? Be honest now, Youth. Do you still want to talk to them even though it seems they don't want to talk to you?"

 

Youth exhaled slowly. "Yes."

 

"We may have found another root of your anxiety. You may be afraid that you want to talk to people more than they want to talk to you. What do you think?"

 

"I think I'm uncomfortable being dissected like this."

 

"Shall we stop?"

 

"No."

 

"So what you really want, ideally, is to find people who want to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them."

 

"But who doesn't want that?"

 

"Oh, most everyone - to be sure. But you are different."

 

"How?"

 

"You have a lot of interesting things to say."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 4

 

4

 

"So you don't do unto others what they are doing unto you," said Director

 

"No, I don't."

 

"Do you think that should change?"

 

"You mean should I start being impolite?"

 

"Would that make you feel less anxious?"

 

"Ha! That would make me feel even more anxious because then I would have more reason to believe I had offended."

 

"What's wrong with offending when it's appropriate? Or do you think it is never appropriate to offend?"

 

Youth cocked his head. "What's wrong is that you make enemies."

 

"And you want everyone to be your friend?"

 

Youth frowned but nodded.

 

"Is that realistic?"

 

"No, I guess it's not," he said a little testily.

 

"What if you don't try to make enemies, but just accept it if some are made all on their own?"

 

Youth confessed: "I don't know how to deal with enemies."

 

"Ah! We may have found another part of the problem, another root of your anxiety. Maybe you're more afraid of enemies than you need to be because you don't know how to deal with them."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com 

Anxiety - section 3

 

3

 

"I simply get no response at all."

 

"But, Youth, how do you know you got no response because you gave offense? How do you know it wasn't for some other, completely unrelated reason?"

 

"I guess I don't."

 

"But you fear, and then assume, the worst?"

 

Youth nodded, embarrassed.

 

"I wonder what it is," said Director, "that makes you think you've offended? You are one of the most polite people I know - probably to a fault."

 

"Do you think that's the problem, the root of my anxiety - that I'm too sensitive about being polite, about not giving offense?"

 

Director shrugged. "If it's not the sole root, it's almost certainly one of them."

 

"Why do you think I'm so sensitive like that?"

 

"Maybe it's because you're just very sensitive, naturally, to when people are impolite to you, and you want to do unto others as you would have them do unto you - in hopes they'll take the hint."

 

Youth chewed on this. "Maybe I don't know where the line between being polite and impolite truly needs to be drawn."

 

"Yes, and maybe you don't know when to cross the line from polite to impolite."

 

Youth looked surprised. "I've always believed you never cross that line."

 

"Do you think never doing so is a virtue?"

 

Youth seemed about to say something, but then blinked several times and shrugged.

 

"Some would say," said Director, "that far from being a virtue, never crossing that line amounts to laziness and arrogance."

 

Youth seemed shocked at this but tried to take it in. "How does it amount to laziness?"

 

"It takes effort to figure out when to cross the line, and once one does it takes effort to engage in impolite discourse, and then more effort to prevent oneself from going too far. None of this is inherently pleasant for someone who habitually walks on the polite side of the line."

 

"I see," said Youth quietly. "How is never crossing the line arrogant?"

 

"It seems that you don't deign to mix it up with the rude when you need to, when it's called for - and that you believe, out of arrogance, that your high moral ground, your elevated standard, carries the day every time, even when it doesn't, to the detriment of those who are counting on you."

 

"That's what they say?"

 

Director shrugged.

 

"Do you think I am being arrogant?"

 

"I know you don't mean to be, but it does seem that way at times."

 

A look of bitterness possessed Youth's face. "That's so unfair."

 

Director sighed. "Let me ask you this, Youth. Do you draw the line the same way for yourself as you do for others?"

 

"No, I'm harder on myself than I am on others."

 

"Is that because you are better and should be held to a higher standard?"

 

Youth thought for a long time. Then he shrugged and nodded slowly.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com