Dialogue

Human - Mind Reading (part 2, section 5)

Mind Reading

 

"Along those lines, your case worker said that you said that you feel that people can read your mind."

 

"What?" President laughed in disgust. He shook his head and looked out the window. "I can't believe she told you that."

 

"Did you say something like that?" Director ventured.

 

"Of course I said 'something like that' - but not that!"

 

"What was the context?"

 

"One of the symptoms of certain sorts of illness is that you think you can read people's minds."

 

"Then I guess a lot of people are ill out there."

 

President nodded. "Well, it came my turn to speak in a group where we had been discussing this and I said I can't read people's minds, but when I'm in a bad way I feel like they can read mine."

 

"That's all you said?"

 

"That's all! I can't believe they are turning this on me." He bit his lip. "Of course, maybe nothing is being turned on me at all. Maybe the case worker was just being thorough, probing to make sure everything is okay."

 

"What did you mean when you said that?"

 

"I meant nothing more than what it feels like when you walk into a room and see someone you don't like and you worry that the look on your face will give that away."

 

"That's it?"

 

"That's it. I even told one of the doctors about it. I explained that sometimes if I've thought an unjust or unfair thought about someone they can tell that I have, by some trick or tick of body language. That's it."

 

"Then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Do you?"

 

President laughed bitterly. "You tell me. Do you know what the group leader said after I said that about people seeming to read my mind? He told me that I do indeed think I can read people's minds, because I have to read their minds in order to know that they are reading mine! What the hell? You can't win if they are set against you."

 

"Do you think they are set against you?"

 

"Now you sound like one of them."

 

"Them?"

 

"The staff. And no, I don't think they are set against me. But this guy was a piece of work, a royal loser. I wish you could have seen him. He tried to be funny, and it was a sarcastic sort of funniness. Is that the sort of humor that the mentally ill need? Sarcasm? I think that is exactly the last sort of thing they need. And you know what? A good third of the group, after it was over, were raving about this funny man, saying they wish they could have more groups with him. Well, I think he's as lame as they come, and I'm not at all surprised that he told others what I said and put it in a different light."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Patients (part 2, section 4)

Patients

 

"What are the other patients like here?" Director asked. "I've only seen the ones in the hallway on my way to your room."

 

"They're not bad. Some are more highly functioning than others, of course. But even some of the low level ones have surprised me, pleasantly."

 

"For example?"

 

"Well, there was one woman who seemed to be a hopeless case when we were all together in group. All she did was sit back and watch everything intently, and when it came her turn to speak she mumbled incomprehensible things."

 

"That's why you thought her to be low level, worse off?"

 

"Yes, exactly. Anyway, I was having a snack in the kitchen and she came in and sat down at the table next to me. I smiled and said hello. Guess what she did? She struck up a conversation about everything she had seen since she got here - and she saw a lot! I couldn't believe it, and actually laughed out loud while I was talking to her. Turns out she's a psychiatrist! She's really nice, smart - bright."

 

"No judging the books by their covers in this library, old friend?"

 

"No, indeed! You really just never know what you're going to find." President's face grew serious. "It's not a new lesson for me, by any stretch of the imagination. But it is a terrific reminder to go into each human, or potentially human, interaction clear-eyed and ready for anything."

 

"That's exhausting, isn't it?"

 

"You said it! I envy my cat all the sleep he gets."

 

"How has your sleep been?"

 

"Well, they tripled my medication. I've been sleeping like a baby."

 

"Is there any reason why you can't do that when you're out of here?"

 

President sighed. "I'm going to have to re-tool my entire schedule."

 

"But you're going to do it?"

 

"Yes," President said firmly. "Doing less is doing more, as far as I'm concerned."

 

"We're all concerned, you know."

 

"Thank you. Would you like to hear about other patients?"

 

"Certainly."

 

"Well, there is one who has been completely out of his senses. He's angry at everyone and everything he thinks goes against his will."

 

"You never get like that."

 

"No," he said smiling, "I'm too neurotic for my psychosis to get the better of me."

 

"Thank goodness for balance. What's become of this patient?"

 

"Security has been here three times today."

 

"What do they do?"

 

"Believe it or not, they just stand there and watch and listen as the staff tries to calm him down."

 

"What happens if they can't?"

 

"I suppose they take him away somewhere."

 

"A padded room?"

 

"I guess."

 

"So how does he react to all this?"

 

"Oh, he freaks out, gets even angrier."

 

"And yet they don't take him away. Curious."

 

"Sometimes," President said in a lowered voice, "I feel like he's here to be an example to me of how never to be, tempted as I might ever be to lose my temper like that."

 

"You think he's a plant for your benefit?" Director asked cautiously.

 

Annoyance possessed President's face. "No. I'm just saying that you need to take lessons from life as they present themselves, that's all."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Enjoyment (part 2, section 3)

Enjoyment

 

"I don't. But tell me - if someone 'suffers' from a mental illness, he can't be enjoying himself, right?"

 

"It's one thing to have, or be prone to, mental illness and manage it, and it is another thing entirely to suffer it.

 

"Do you think I suffer from it?"

 

"At times."

 

"And when I do I'm not a good leader."

 

"True, but when you manage it effectively you are quite a leader, one people want to follow, or rather, take their lead from."

 

"Thank you for the distinction. I don't want followers. I'm not that kind of leader."

 

"Do you enjoy it when people take their lead from you?"

 

"Enjoy it? I love it!" He laughed. But then he added quietly: "It makes me feel like everything has been worth it. Know what I mean?"

 

Director nodded.

 

"I like the notion of enjoyment deriving from synchronicity," President said in a matter-of-fact tone. "But you know I have my doubts, right? What if it is really the task of the true leader to go against the grain of his times?"

 

"You'd rather have a bad time?"

 

"Shouldn't I rather do what's right, what needs to be done, regardless of enjoyment?"

 

"Maybe you can give me an example so I know what you mean."

 

"Oh, I don't know. Think of it like this. It's not pleasant to go on a diet even though you know you need to lose weight, right? You don't enjoy the diet."

 

"I take it you're talking about fiscal matters. Well, yes. But the diet is for the sake of greater enjoyment - good health and figure."

 

"You can make that argument about anything. Anything necessary and unpleasant can always be said to be done for the sake of some greater pleasure."

 

"That can be said, but it doesn't mean the greater pleasure is bound to come. Do you know what the secret is?"

 

"What?"

 

"Knowledge - knowledge, to a certainty, that your actions must result in that greater enjoyment. That is double pleasure - pleasure in the knowing and anticipation, and then the enjoyment of the pleasure itself when it comes."

 

"But what if the knowing and anticipation simply cancels out the pains taken? You're just left with the pleasure of the end. How does that differ from indulging up front?"

 

"Really, friend, you don't know how? Indulgence, to the extent I think we're talking about here, always results in some kind of pain - regret, at the least."

 

"You make it sound as if I can't escape from enjoying myself."

 

"Yes, you truly are doomed," said Director with a half smile.

 

"But I can wreck it, can't I?"

 

Director drew in a slow breath. "Yes, you certainly can."

 

"By not going with it," President said in full knowledge.

 

"That's the only way to mess with fate - not to accept it."

 

President cocked his head. "You really believe in fate?"

 

"Sometimes I do."

 

"So what if I'm not fated to enjoy myself?"

 

"Then you should believe in free will and engage in the pursuit of happiness."

 

President laughed softly and shook his head.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Leaders of Men (part 2, section 2)

Leaders of Men

 

"Well, it looks like things are coming along nicely, President. I see no reason why you can't go home tomorrow."

 

"Thanks."

 

The doctor nodded and left the room.

 

"I've always like that doctor," Director said.

 

"Yeah, me too."

 

"So what were we talking about?"

 

"Philosophy."

 

"Whose philosophy?"

 

"No, Philosophy - capital P."

 

"Really? Now I remember. We were talking about pigs and their sties. Oh, wait. No, we were talking about my job."

 

President smiled. "Do you like it?"

 

"My job? It's as I've said - work is work. What can I say?"

 

"I think you enjoy yourself well enough."

 

"And you don't? How can you lead so many men and not enjoy it? Why, I would think someone who doesn't love to lead must make for a... well, a not-so-good leader."

 

"Is that all you think it takes to lead, enjoyment?"

 

"Now, now - no getting indignant. But yes, as a matter of fact, now that I think of it, enjoyment is all it takes, all it has ever taken. That said," Director added with playful seriousness, "indignation is the mark of the poor leader, the one who brings ruin upon his people."

 

"Ha! And you're serious, too!"

 

"Oh, yes," Director said in mock sententiousness, "the serious is the arrow that smites the good heart."

 

"Smite, smote, smitten."

 

"Are you looking for more good vocabulary words?"

 

They laughed.

 

"Seriously, you're serious, right?" President asked.

 

"Of course I am," Director said, face composed.

 

"I can understand how indignation ruins things, but enjoyment?"

 

"Enjoyment is the mark of a leader's synchronicity with his times."

 

President nodded solemnly. "I am out of tune with the times."

 

"No! Tell me honestly, truly, friend - have you enjoyed your stay in the hospital this weekend?"

 

President all but blushed, but he looked away and said in a soft voice, "I have."

 

"There, you see?" Director asked hopefully. "What have you enjoyed, precisely?"

 

"Do you think it is the holiday?"

 

"I don't know. Is it?"

 

"No," President said firmly. "This has been no holiday. This has been work, of a sort I don't know how many can stomach."

 

"What then?"

 

"The people - the patients, the staff." He looked out the window again. "Where else can you find such people? And if you find them outside of here are they really and truly themselves, free as they are here to express what they are?"

 

"What makes people here free, in that way?"

 

"For the patients? How much lower can they sink? Well, there's always the great threat in your face of permanent commitment, of getting forever lost, unable to find your bread crumbs back out of the maze. So maybe they're not really all that free after all. For the staff? Who are they trying to impress, the crazies? It's the same sort of bizarre equality of guards and inmates, cops and criminals, sinners and saints. You know?"

 

Director drew into a tight smile. "Do you think it is any different for a true friend of someone suffering from a mental illness?"

 

President wiped a tear from his eye. "No one doubts your sanity, Director."

 

"Is that so?" It was an honest question.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Doctor (part 2, section 1)

PART TWO

 

Doctor

 

In walked the doctor. He glanced at Director. "How are you feeling today, President?"

 

"About the same as since I've been here."

 

"Really? No better? You seem better to me."

 

"How do I seem better?"

 

"Your speech seems less pressured. You seem more relaxed."

 

"What, every time I feel stressed I'm going to wind up in the hospital? You could just as easily look at me when I'm perfectly relaxed and say, 'Oh, no. You seem stressed to me. And your speech is pressured. You must stay here until I say.'"

 

The doctor raised his eyebrows and turned to Director. "What does your friend think?"

 

"I think he seems pretty relaxed to me," Director said.

 

"So," President said as though proving his point, "it takes a concurrence to get me out of here?"

 

"Ah, President, you're seeming your old self," said the doctor with a smile.

 

"How would you know my old self? You see me for half an hour every three months."

 

"You're right, of course, that's all I know - though I have seen you on more than one occasion when you're not well. Surely that counts for something."

 

President sniffed.

 

"It's the contrast."

 

"Yes," President said absently. But then he seemed to hit on something. "How do you know I'm not acting when I'm in your office?"

 

"Oh, I'm sure everyone acts to some degree when in my office. Fortunately, I have a life outside of work where people, I trust, are not acting as much. So, I have something of a baseline."

 

"The law of averages? Does that work for the atypical?"

 

"Do you think you are atypical?"

 

"Ha! You yourself told me I am last time I was in your office."

 

"I do indeed think you are atypical, just as I said. So I have to factor that into my thinking. That is, after all, what you're paying me for, is it not?"

 

President snorted and looked to Director. "What do you think?"

 

"I certainly think you are atypical."

 

"In a bad way, or a good way?"

 

"Are there two ways to this?"

 

President blinked and sighed. "What can I tell you, Doctor?"

 

"How is your mood?"

 

"Somewhat irritable."

 

"More so than usual?"

 

"I didn't know you were a comedian."

 

"Ah, I recognize that native sarcastic streak. That often accompanies those of rank."

 

"In your country?"

 

"No, in any country. I'm not sure I understand it fully, but sarcasm seems to be born of weakness coupled to a sense of right - entitlement, that is. Accordingly, I think it a vice. But don't worry," the doctor laughed gently, "we all have our vices!"

 

"What's yours?"

 

"You think I have only one? Ha, ha, ha!"

 

"What are you laughing at, Director?"

 

"Me? I'm just glad the good doctor took the pressure off of me to answer next!"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Team (part 1, section 20)

Team

 

"Enough of all this. How are things going with you?"

 

"Oh, they're fine. Work is work, you know."

 

"What are you working on these days?"

 

"I'm putting together a team for our new office."

 

"Do you have final say on who's on the team?"

 

"'Final say'? You know I never have that."

 

"Yes, but when's the last time they went against your recommendations?"

 

"Come on, President, you know I have to argue my case for every little thing."

 

"But that's because you keep trying to forward our cause with every opportunity you get."

 

"What's your point?"

 

"I'm just impressed with how much you're able to get done."

 

"You feel your record is any less impressive? I could never get done what you do."

 

"Why do you think that is?" President asked with a touch of bitterness.

 

"You worry me, friend. You seem to be thinking there is something wrong with getting those things done."

 

"Well, isn't there? What does it take to move people? You move individuals. I move groups.'

 

"And you think moving individuals is of higher dignity? But this is ridiculous. In order to move a group you have to be able to move key individuals. The individuals I have to move are not always what I would call 'key'."

 

President seemed to consider this. "But they are key to the task at hand, are they not?"

 

"The undertaker is key to getting the body prepared for the funeral. Does that make him 'key'? If so, then 'key' really means nothing. Why, a student is key to a teacher's having a job."

 

"A dolphin is key to having an aquarium?"

 

"A cat is key to a bird."

 

"A pig is key to a sty?"

 

They laughed.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Dirty (part 1, section 19)

Dirty

 

"So you advise me just to keep my mouth shut and wait it out."

 

"Is that so bad? They let you have your computer and gave you full access to their network. I can bring you any books you might want, or whatever else."

 

"And what does everyone on the outside think?"

 

"They just know that you collapsed, fell in, and nearly drowned. You'll have to remember to thank that staffer who jumped in after you and pulled you out."

 

"I wasn't even close to drowning."

 

"Okay. But does that really matter?"

 

"It does if you're interested in the truth, right? Or do I need to get a dirty sense for that now?"

 

"You and I know the truth. Is there anything dirty about that? Or do you want to go on television and come clean with everyone and tell them the dolphin told you to do it, and everything was really fine, and you didn't need to be pulled out of the tank?"

 

President frowned.

 

"You don't have to lie to anyone."

 

"But I have no duty to dispel false notions?"

 

"Perhaps among certain, trusted people you do. But how many of those are there?"

 

"Not that many," he said and hung his head.

 

"I think you need to practice keeping your head up, my friend."

 

President slowly lifted his head and looked out the window. "So it will be as if it never happened then."

 

"To most people, yes, though there will be some lingering concern about your health."

 

"What if something like this happens again?"

 

"Well, as long as you're not doing anything really weird, as long as you're only acting a little off, we can just write it off as an accident."

 

"Great, so I become accident prone."

 

"Is that so bad?"

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Clean (part 1, section 18)

Clean

 

“What does it mean to have a clean mind?” President asked.

 

“Well, I suppose it means not to have a mind that festers with old, painful beliefs.”

 

“You want me to have new and clean beliefs?”

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

President considered this for a moment. “But what about old and comfortable beliefs?”

 

“Are old beliefs always comfortable?”

 

“Not always - but they can be comforting.”

 

“The comforting is always comfortable, is it not?”

 

“I suppose,” said President in a somewhat distracted tone.

 

“Then what is it about new and clean beliefs?” Director asked.

 

“They destroy the old.”

 

“They destroy the old. Yes.”

 

“So you think the new is good?”

 

“I? Why can’t I think that merely destroying the old is good? The new might have nothing to do with it, after all. But it doesn't do to talk this way, now does it, friend?”

 

President said nothing.

 

"Do you know why you are here?"

 

"Everyone keeps asking me that! Yes, I do."

 

"Tell me why."

 

"You want to know why I think I'm here or why they tell me I am here?"

 

"What do they tell you?"

 

"They say I was acting strange and fell in the dolphin tank."

 

"You were at a fund raiser at the aquarium."

 

"Yes."

 

"Well, did you?"

 

"Did I what, act strange?"

 

"Fall in the dolphin tank."

 

"No, I jumped in. Now do you want to know if I acted strange?"

 

"Jumping in is strange enough for me, President. Do others know you jumped in?"

 

"I haven't said a word about it."

 

"And no one asked?"

 

"Not a soul."

 

"So you're here because they think you were acting strange before the splash."

 

"Yes."

 

"What do they say you were doing?"

 

"They say I was speaking rapidly, excitedly, and getting more emotional than I usually do."

 

"That's it?"

 

"Apparently that was plenty."

 

"Why did you jump in the dolphin tank?"

 

"Here's where it is hard to explain. I can tell you 'I think I did this because', or I can tell you 'I did this because'. Which do you want to hear?

 

"How about you just tell me and I'll decide for myself whether you just thought it or whether it actually happened that way?"

 

"Fair enough," President said with a game smile. "One of the dolphins asked me to jump in. He was being mistreated."

 

"I see," said Director. "Who was mistreating him, the staff or the other dolphins?"

 

"Some of both."

 

"Well, I have some good news, friend. Getting out of here might be easier than we thought. The staff likely just wants to observe you for a while to make sure you don't do anything like jumping in again."

 

"You mean like stick my hand in the fish tank here?"

 

"Something like that, sure."

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Balance (part 1, section 17)

Balance

 

“The only way to make it fair,” President said, “is to balance it somehow.”

 

“How would you like it to balance, President. Perhaps more people should trust you to rule? Would that do it?”

 

“You always were good with the tough love.”

 

“You call that tough? Really, President, who trusts me to rule?”

 

“I do,” President said in a quiet voice.

 

“Thank you, but you know it’s not in my nature.”

 

“Yes, I know. But that’s one of the reasons I question whether it is good to rule!”

 

“Do you enjoy it?”

 

President looked hard at his friend. “I do.”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t know how that feels. Do you think that means I despise you? Do you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Not everything balances perfectly, you know. And if you ask my opinion, the belief that it does will land you in this place every time.”

 

“So to be ‘balanced’ enough to get out of here you have to fight the urge to believe everything balances out in the end?”

 

“Yes. It doesn’t.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“How do I know, or how does anyone know?”

 

“You and anyone.”

 

“I don’t believe in justice.” Director said with a cold yet friendly stare.

 

“You think I do?”

 

“I don’t see how you can’t.”

 

“You really think I need to believe in justice?”

 

“You want your rule to be just?”

 

“Do I?”

 

“Do you? I should hope you do.”

 

“Do you depend on that?”

 

“As much as any of those you rule.”

 

“How long do you think I can stay in here before those people start to have their doubts?”

 

“Doubt you? I’m not so sure they will. In fact, the longer you are here the more I think they will trust you in this essential matter.”

 

“But not all of them.”

 

“No, not all of them. You have your enemies, after all.”

 

“Then why give them more to attack me with?”

 

“That’s not the point. The point is that your friends will think all the more of you, will think that your mental hygiene is pure, is true. They will trust you all the more - as do I, friend.”

 

“You trust me more for going through this?”

 

“I do.”

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com

Human - Sanity (part 1, section 16)

Sanity

 

"Why is it that the craziest of us never end up here?" President asked.

 

"Perhaps because the most sane and the most insane have much in common."

 

"What is sanity?"

 

"The opposite of insanity?"

 

"That would be a much funnier reply in a different context, friend."

 

"Sanity is a shared set of beliefs, what else?"

 

"You think they suspect I don't share their beliefs?"

 

"Well, they may suspect that you have more than the standard set."

 

"I'm crazy because I believe too much."

 

Director threw out his hands in an open gesture. "I suppose there are two ways to fail - believing too much, believing too little."

 

"The former is the neurotic and the latter the psychotic?"

 

"Could be."

 

"Well, what do you believe?"

 

"Me? I believe what you tell me, President."

 

"Do you believe I belong here?"

 

"Here? No, I believe you belong somewhere else - and I believe you believe this, too."

 

President nodded. "Yes," he said. "I think of these little visits as transitions, periods of gross or fine tuning of my self."

 

"To make it more like what?"

 

"To make it more me."

 

Director smiled. "I like that."

 

"Do you think it is my function to lead?"

 

"I think you're good at it, if that's what you mean."

 

"Is leading good?"

 

"Well, it's not bad, friend."

 

"Yes, but is it good in a diminished sense, in the sense in which neither-to-rule-nor-be-ruled is best?"

 

"Why does that matter to you? You like to lead, don't you?"

 

President hung his head. "I do."

 

"But why are you ashamed? I think you're crazy to feel that way."

 

President looked up suddenly and glared at Director through narrowed eyes. "Crazy?"

 

"Yes, crazy, friend. Or don't you think sanity is being what you are?"

 

"We need to arrive at a consistent definition of sanity, Director."

 

"Do we? What if that desire is the very mark of mental illness?"

 

"You mean if you need it you're already too far gone?"

 

"Gone too far? That's a funny metaphor. Maybe someone like that hasn't gone anywhere at all. I don't know."

 

"And yet no one is questioning your sanity. Why do you think that is?"

 

"I really don't know, President. Could it be because I never question it myself?"

 

President hung his head again. "What if I told you I question it?"

 

"I'd want to know why you do. Do you?"

 

"No, I'm just saying."

 

"I see."

 

"But, truthfully, I don't think I'm insane. I've never even thought that for a moment."

 

"Why do you think you're here?"

 

"Like I said, I'm in need of tune-up. But the underlying reason? I have a dynamic mind, meaning it is inherently unstable."

 

"Do you think I have a dynamic mind?"

 

"I think, for whatever reason, that you are better able to manage it than I."

 

'Maybe my mind is less dynamic."

 

"Maybe you have less firmly rooted beliefs. Maybe the effort it takes to make mine dynamic is greater." President looked out across the landscape.

 

"But doesn't a mind with fewer firmly rooted beliefs take more effort to manage?" Director regretted it as soon as he said it.

 

President turned slowly to Director. "Well, maybe you're just that much stronger than I am, old friend."

 

"No," Director said firmly. "You are one of the strongest people I have ever known, not excepting myself."

 

"Then how is this fair?” President asked with a flash in his eyes that swept the room.

 

“Nobody said it’s fair,” Director said softly.

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Nick Pappas, pappasnick.typepad.com